5 going on retiree

"So, TK, is this the park where you saw your buddy on Friday? What was his name? Cooper?"

"Yeah, Cooper. He was from my old school, HLC"

"That's cool"

"Yeah, daddy. And it felt really good to reconnect with an old friend"

Bu-wha?

Worse than being dead?

I don't even know where to begin with this one. Normally this would be an "overheard" but this one needs a little background for it to be as funny as it was...

So...overheard...with background.

Tonight I was making hamburgers for dinner. I was doctoring the meat up and TK walked by so I asked him to grab the meat container and put it in the trash. He only had one hand and when he grabbed the container it flipped up and some of the blood got on his wrist. He pulled his wrist in to sniff it and I said "CAREFUL that's blood!". His eyes got really big and he said "Real blood???"

I said "Yes, real blood. Put that in the trash and go wash your arm off."

On the way around the baby gates I could see him in the hall and he was sniffing his wrist again and said "What's the blood from?" I told him it was from the meat and he wanted to know what kind of meat. I said "The hamburger, the meat from the cow."

He finished washing his arm and came back out from the bathroom and all the way back around to the kitchen. When he got there he said "I bet that cow was FURIOUS!" and I said "The cow was furious...? Why would the cow be furious?"

"BECAUSE YOU TOOK IT'S MEAT!"

And then he walked off in the "DUH" huff.

I mean, I never would have thought about how angry the cow must be and it just seemed mean to tell him that the cow was probably more furious about having to be dead...

It was like listening to myself

Today I took the kids (oh yeah, both at the same time) out of the house. We met my mom and grandmother for running around and lunch. I usually won't - under any circumstances - take the kids to a restaurant - because it just isn't fun. But today I knew this particular restaurant - Tin Star - would not be crowded in the 'burbs and there were 3 of us against 2 of them.

So...we get there and order and are waiting for our food when two moms come in with their two boys each. If I had to guess, I would say 8 or 9 and 4 or 5. They took a few tables next to us and the switch flipped and those kids when ape crazy. I mean, running along the length of booths, jumping over chairs, pressing all the drink dispensers making the drinks go everywhere - you name it. One even got taken to the restroom for an "attitude adjustment". My kids were mesmerized by the hooligans...for real.

TK stepped in to crochety old man mode and turned around from watching those kids and said "Those kids have been reading too many comic books. They have been watching too much TV. They have had too much caffeine. Those kids are just crazy and they are acting bad."

Awwww. He's speaking from personal experience. Kids after his own heart.

"This is like a dream...

and I hope I wake up soon." Saith Tiki last night.

Sunday evening I was cooking him some bacon the old fashioned way (stove top frying). Before the pan warmed up he came over and peeked over the edge to see and sniff. Then he went back to the den to wait for it to cook. I turned away from the stove to put something in the sink and I hear "OWWWWWW - that grease popped!!!!! I need some ice!". So I grab a damp paper towel and wrap some ice cubes in it and send him away again - not even looking at his face. After dinner he was on the water slide and came over to say something and I noticed a HUGE white smiley patch where there was no skin under his nose. Evidently he put his nose on the edge of the frying pan to peek at the bacon and it burned his little nose. YOWCH! So we aloed it up good last night and today it's all scabbed over. Poor baby.

So then yesterday evening after dinner we decide to take a little drive (I know gas prices, but we went in the neighborhood). I had a new pack of Positively Pom gum and Teeks wanted to try it. I gave him a piece and the rest of the drive went something like this...

AHHHH the gum has my fingers trapped!

TK put that gum back in your mouth, please

Ok.

Yikes, the gum has leaped on to my ear!

TK, I'm serious. If I catch you with that gum out again, it's curtains for you.

Yes ma'am.

Mommy, look what the gum did now!

I turned around to see the gum stretched from his mouth to his forehead and from cheek to cheek.

I had Todd pull the car over, but it was too late. By the time I got around the vehicle, the bangs (which were shaggy anyway) had landed on the gum and were stuck there - smelling like pom and creating some sort of bizarre pink widow's peak - like a chunk of hair pasted to his forehead. I couldn't help but laugh...

I told Teeks to leave it alone and that we'd have to cut it out when we got home.

He sat there quietly for a few minutes and then we heard...

"This is like a dream and I hope I wake up soon. First I burn my nose on the bacon pan and then I get this gum stuck in my hair. I hope I wake up from this dream soon."

Poor Teeks...

Overheard in my car

"Oh TK look, they are putting in the overpass support columns for the new highway. That's going to be so nice when that's finished"

"What?"

"They are going to make this a regular highway with no stoplights. That's going to make it nice. You know?"

"Yeah. It's gonna be totally wicked sick"

"Did you say totally wicked sick?"

"Duh"

I'm bringing drama back, yeah.

Not really - but I think the break is over. I'll have to slowly tranistion back to blogging now that the lazy days of summer are here.

TK is out of Pre-K/daycare for the summer. We've decided to let him do some day camps and fun stuff before starting Kindergarten in the fall (whhhhaaaattttt????? - I know!)

So, he and my dad (Pop) have been spending some time together - swimming, seeing movies, toy shopping, etc. TK *loves* doing stuff with Pop -but so far this summer nothing tops toy shopping...and here's why

Overheard at Wal-Mart

"Hey Pop, I have $4. How about you throw in $10 so I can get that Ironman toy".

I'm going to try that "Hey, I have $10, about you throw in $990 and I can get that new TV..."

Overheard at my house...

"Fire in the home!"

"What did you say? Was that 'fire in the home'?"

"Yeah"

"Well, actually it's 'fire in the hole' - not home"

"Oh. Well mommy you can just say it your way and I'll say 'fire in the home'"

As seen on TV

We now have an "As Seen on TV" store in the mall and it's pretty funny stuff in there. Kind of like Flea Market meets Bill Nye the Science Guy. After the weekend follies with TK I thought I might call them and see if that have a place for a live running ad in that store. It would sound a little like this...

TK: Mommy you really should get Gerber.
Me: What?
TK: I said you really should get Gerber.
Me: Gerber? What are you talking about?
TK: I said you really should get the Gerber Life Grow up plan for TC. It's a $10,000 whole life policy.


TK: Mommy, if you want those red things on your face to go away just use Proactive.


TK: Next time can I get Tolgain Tobal?
Me: What? Tolgain Tobal? What is that?
TK: It's the toothpaste. The toothpaste that daddy uses. It's total protection for your mouth.
Me: Oh, you mean Colgate Total? You have that - you actually already use Colgate for Kids. See "Col-gate".
TK: Oh. Well I want to call it Tolgain Tobal.

Life would be harder if I had to make this stuff up. But I don't. I really don't. And the really astonishing part is that he's allowed one Kid's Show in the morning while dressing for school and may one or two in the evening while I get dinner out of the KFC bag. :-)

"If you are elderly...

then you should wear the Life Alert necklace. If you have a serious fall or other emergency, like if your plug catches on fire, you can press a button and the Life Alert necklace will call the fire apartment"

PEOPLE - take note - MARKETING WORKS. But seriously, why is the Life Alert commercial on Nickelodeon?? Does TK really need to have memorized the gist of this commercial. Probably not, but he did and for that I'm grateful.

My 4.75 year old teenager

My 4.75 year old teenager said this to me this evening...

"Well if you don't like anything at McDonald's why do you just go home and cook yourself something."

Excellent suggestion. Thank you.

Overheard at my house

"Um, mommy can you please come in here and turn off this gentlemen's show and put on a kids show"

Overheard at Target

TKW: Mommy, can I have this candy?
Me: No, no candy, it's late - close to bedtime, no candy
TKW: Awwww, how about this candy?
Me: No, NO candy tonight. You had a cookie earlier and that's enough sugar.
TKW: Awwww, come on mommy, all I had today was protein and some grapes. I'm really ready for candy now.

So, mother's take note, when all you've given your kid is 'protein and some grapes' their bodies will be really in need of the candy food group.

TK learns to read...

So yesterday TK and I had a little mom and me time and part of that time was to go see Bee Movie (great, by the way). After the movie we had to use the restroom and although I'm sure he could do it by himself, I'm too paranoid to send him into a public restroom by himself, so into the ladies room with me he goes. We went to the far back handicap access stall and per our normal arrangement, he runs into the stall and says "gentlemen first" (we are still working on that etiquette). So, he finished using the restroom and it was my turn. This is the point where he would normally start messing with the door lock or examining the flush mechanism so this next thing wasn't totally unexpected... He goes to the feminine box and start pushing in the little door tell him to leave that alone because it's yucky. He asks what it is and I tell him it's a special place for lady bathroom things that can't go in the toilet and be flushed, etc. He didn't understand so I said - like a baby diaper - they can't be flushed, right? He gets that so we are all set. Let's just finish and get out of here...

The next thing I hear is "tuh-am-puh-aw-enn... ta-m-paw-n... tam-p-on... tampon... tampon... tampon... is that right, is that what that says?" I said "Yes, shhhhhh" and he was like "What is a tampon, what is that, what is a tampon?" By now I'm starting to laugh and still shusshing him and trying to get out of the stall and redirect. He's still saying that same thing over and over again except now we are walking toward the sinks and he's being very dramatic, playing up to my laughter, using his very theatrical gestures "What is a tampon, why won't you tell me what a tampon is?" So the folks waiting in line for a stall are howling with laughter. Nice.

We get to the sinks and I say "Shhhh, okay what does that spell?" and he says

"SOAP...I already know that, but what I don't know is what a TAMPON is!".

Seriously - this is why I had kids...:-)

Overheard at my house

TKW: Pop, did you know that Jesus is dead?
Pop: Yeah, Ty, I know that Jesus is dead?
TKW: Yeah, he died on this cross (holding up my cross necklace that he's now wearing)
Pop: Well, not that exact cross
TKW: Yeah, what?
Pop: Not that exact cross...that would have been a tiny little Jesus.

Overheard at my house

"I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the Republic
for witches dance,
one nation,
under God,
indivisible,
with liberty
and justice for all."

It's America - let all the witches dance!